Welcome to Day Seven of the National Knowles-Carter Twins Celebration! As you are aware, it’s been widely reported that Beyoncé gave birth to The Twins last Monday, forever altering our timeline and use of language. Henceforth, the phrase The Twins will only refer to the Knowles-Carter progeny. Condolences to Mary-Kate and Ashley, Daisy and Violet, and the Ying Yangs. You have all been assigned new names.
The baseball team from Minnesota will henceforth be known as the Minnesota Beyoncé’s Children. Go team!
One hopes that if you’re reading this you’re well aware of how to officially celebrate this auspicious occasion. We are in a period of national celebration (about this one thing specifically. Everything else: nope.) It should be noted that official celebrations have begun even though we don’t have official confirmation from Beyoncé herself. We are well aware that Beyoncé doesn’t tell anyone anything until she’s good and ready to do so. So, The Twins’ birth will be shrouded in mystery until such time as Beyoncé decides to let us know, which could happen any time between two days and two decades from now. It is not yet clear if The Twins even know they’ve been born yet. Beyoncé’s like, “You’re born when I tell you you’ve been born.”
Beyoncé’s family crest should read “You think you know, but you have no idea.”
We have no idea and we love it!
Never has a nation been so ready for a birth. Since Beyoncé and Jay Z announced that they were expecting twins, households across the land have dutifully prepared for the auspicious arrival. In dining rooms all over America the framed photo of the Obamas that hung above the table was moved to the left (to the left) to accommodate the new Knowles-Carter family photo. Shoppers are flooding the stores to buy two of everything in honor of the double birth. The U.S. Treasury is currently reviewing a number of petitions to replace the face on the $2 bill with The Twins’ ultrasound. (Side note: how many petitions can you create and send to the Treasury before you find yourself under FBI investigation? Asking for a friend.)
When a Royal Birth is celebrated in Britain, they fire cannons from the Tower of London. Similarly, we will be celebrating the birth of The Twins by firing confetti cannons off of the Washington Monument and then doing the “Freedom” dance in the pool in front of the Lincoln Memorial. (Note: This may be something that you already do regularly. That’s fine. In honor of The Twins, do it twice.)
Additionally, when the British Royals have a baby, they name six godparents. Prince George has seven. The Twins will have 112. Some of the godparents will include: Barack and Michelle Obama, Asahd Khaled, Kelly Rowland, and God.
For British Royals, the baptism by the Archbishop of Canterbury is the highlight of the celebration. Prince George was baptized in St James’s Palace, with water from the River Jordan. Similarly, at some future date The Twins will be baptized by the ethereal spirit of Prince with the first water found on Mars.
As with everything the American Royal Family does, it will be fabulous, we won’t know about it probably ever, and we’ll love it!